Can I Be Honest?

It’s been a while since I’ve been truly honest on here. I’ve been trying to adopt a more positive outlook on life, reflecting on the things that have made each week worthwhile, no matter how big or small. But, if I’m honest, I feel like a fraud. There are weeks when I cry more than I smile, weeks when I feel too much and weeks when I feel nothing at all. If I’m honest, I’m tired. If I’m truly honest, I’m lonely. And if I’m brutally honest, I’m struggling.

Loneliness is crippling. No matter how hard I try to embrace my own company, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I have no problem spending some time by myself, in fact I usually enjoy it. But, what I’m finding increasingly difficult is the loneliness I feel when I’m with other people. I used to be able to fill the void by going out and socialising. Drinking was a reprieve from myself. But, now I’m finding it harder to distract myself from what I’m feeling.

It’s no secret that I’m single and it bothers me. It’s also no secret that I’ve been trying hard to rectify that. But, I’m getting absolutely nowhere. I can’t quite describe the feeling of watching those around me fall in and out of relationships, while I face disappointment after disappointment. And everyone seems to have an opinion on it. I’m trying too hard. I’m looking in the wrong places. I’m giving the wrong impression. I just haven’t found the right one yet. I just need to be patient. It’s exhausting.

You wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff I’ve read on the subject. Some say I’m the common denominator, so must be to blame. Others say it’s not my fault. It’s hard to know which one is true. But, I do know one thing – I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have been. I don’t like that saying. Who’s to say what we do and don’t deserve? But, I believe for the most part, I’ve been treated unfairly.

Of course, I’m going to say that. I’m not going to sit here and say I got everything that was coming to me. But, I don’t believe I deserve to talk to someone for months on end, only to meet them once and never hear from them again. I don’t believe I deserve to be told how much they’d love to spend more time with me, only to disappear into obscurity. I don’t believe I deserve to watch the person I’m with message other people right in front of me. I don’t believe I deserve to see someone for months, only for them to turn round and say it means nothing. I don’t believe I deserve to be ghosted again and again and again.

The longer it continues, the more I feel it’ll never stop. I feel completely and utterly devoid of trust. I expect people to disappear after I meet them now. If I’m enjoying speaking to them, I’ll often put off meeting because I know when I do, that’s it. Sad, right? Of course, people have a right to judge you in person and if you’re not for them, that’s fair. What’s not fair is ignoring them until they go away because you don’t have the decency to say you don’t want to see them again. And how many times can that happen before you lose hope?

But, the thing is, there’s a part of me that does think it’s my fault. How could I not? If person after person doesn’t get back in touch after meeting once, what does that say about me? And the more rejection I face, the more it reinforces the belief that I’m not good enough. I know I shouldn’t have to change to find someone, but that’s all my experience has taught me so far.

I just want to know why – why am I expendable? Why do countless people feel they can treat me this way? Surely, I have to mean something to someone along the line? I don’t have the answers and I don’t think anyone else does either. I just wish someone knew what the future held for me, that I won’t feel this way forever, that there is hope. Because right now, I feel hopeless.

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